Karl Rove Arrested at Duke University

Bush's Brain removed from ivy league school "dialogue"

Image: Daniel Kurtzman

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't imagined it myself. Karl Rove, the Turd Blossom of Bush's Brain, forcibly removed from stage at the Page Auditorium. It went down like this. I was excitedly decked out in my Sunday best (I have more than one pair) for today's "Dialogue with Karl Rove." After about an hour of leisurely, Special Olympic softball questions from political science professor (and former Bush administration strategist) Peter Feaver, I was feeling calm and relaxed about the present state of political affairs. Rove explained how Republicans were "the party of the middle class." Conservatives just need to get the message out on "urban radio" in order to see a rise in African-American and Latino votes. No Child Left Behind has been "the most successful education policy in 27 years." All was right in the world.

Then the forum was opened for questions. This was a mistake. Predictably, the liberals in attendance had to ruin the pleasant event with references to important issues that affect the real world (as if Feaver's questions about whether or not Tom Daschle did or did not suggest a vote on the Iraq War in 2002 isn't foremost on people's minds). But, alas, a young rabble rouser -- almost certainly brainwashed by Abbie Hoffman and Karl Marx from her political science classes -- had to insist on asking about Rove’s involvement in the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame.

Mr. Rove. On April 26, 1999 President George H.W. Bush addressed the CIA and stated, “I have nothing but contempt and anger for those who betray the trust by exposing the name of our sources. They are, in my view, the most insidious of traitors.” When are you going to stand trial as a traitor for outing a covert agent?

What an outrage! Just because something is true it doesn’t mean you have to go out and, well, say it. Rove was totally justified in ignoring her question and getting steamed. It was a beautiful sight to see. His face tensed, he squared his legs and sat up firmly in his chair, his hands gripping his knees tightly like a Japanese warrior in a Kurosawa film (although in Rove’s case it looked a bit like he was taking a dump). He strenuously denied any role in that affair in a lie so bold that, despite all the evidence, I’m willing to believe him simply out of respect for such pure audacity. Then he ridiculed Valerie Plame’s civil lawsuit against him. And good for him too. Just because she was an undercover agent working to prevent WMDs from ending up in the hands of terrorists is no reason to go soft. We’re at war.

Apparently his answer didn’t satisfy everyone because, without warning, two anarchist bomb-throwers rushed the stage armed with tweed jacket, hushpuppies and a banner that read, “Arrest him.” And that’s just what happened. I couldn’t believe it. The conservatives have been right all along and now the PC police have instituted martial law. Obeying their orders the campus authorities grabbed Rove by the neck, pulled his arms behind his back and led him from the stage in disgrace. I rushed from my seat to document this tragic affair so that at least one person could bear witness to the collapse of our Republic. One can only hope that he’ll be sent to Guantanamo where the luxurious accommodations that we offer to the enemies of liberty won’t go to waste (free Korans and waterboarding, with a beautiful view of the sea).

But I suppose you have to expect such treatment of our revered statesmen in these troubled times. As Prof. Feaver stated in his interview for the North Carolina Independent Weekly as to why he wanted to bring Rove to campus,

From an educational standpoint, it’s useful to bring people in touch with a human being people might only know from the blogosphere or newspaper accounts, which are often critical.

This is exactly what I’ve been saying for years. You can’t trust what you read on the internets. It is the most free and democratic form of media ever devised. Such a format is bound to be abused by people that have no financial or career incentives for holding the correct political viewpoint. By supporting the blogosphere you are perpetuating this rampant liberalism that has no basis except in reality. Shame on you. Shame on all of you. A nearly free and clear vigilante now has to face justice because of this.

We’ll miss you Turd Blossom. Please take care. Political attack ads won't be the same without your sleazy, underhanded disregard for basic decency.

And, just in case you were wondering, this was all true. Except maybe for that part about Rove being arrested, I sort of exaggerated that bit. And the photo is a fake, I found it on the internet (just like the evidence that Saddam was stockpiling WMDs).

But I did have a nice lady with some fabulous accessorizing, including pearls and a fake fur, tell me that waterboarding didn’t hurt. She also said that no one had ever died in US custody in Iraq. I asked her if she’d gotten high before the talk.